Captain Haddock’s curses, insults and exclamations

In which G.M. Norton attempts to improve his language skills.

As a lover of words, I’m a greater admirer of a humdinger of an insult. You know, the kind of insult where even if you’re on the receiving end, you can’t help but momentarily ignore the fact you’ve been verbally lambasted and break out in a brief applause.

Now, my two favourite issuer of insults are Rowan Atkinson’s Blackadder and Captain Haddock from the Adventures of Tintin.

For today, I’m going to concentrate on the Captain, as while browsing the best that the internet has to offer, I chanced upon a complete list of all the Captain’s marvellous and incredibly ludicrous one-liners on the Tintinologist website.

Chuckling to myself while I read them, I thought it would be remiss of me not to share them with my loyal readership. After all, I’m sure you’re keen as mustard to expand your own library of insults ready to unleash for whatever life throws at you.

So without further ado, here's the Captain's A-Z of curses, insults and exclamations...

A

• Aardvark!
• Abecedarians!
• Aborigine!
• Addle-pated lumps of anthracite!
• (old) Alcoholic!
• Anachronisms!
• Anacoluthons!
• Antediluvian bulldozer [Tibet p60 B2]!
• Anthracite!
• Anthropithecus!
• Anthropophagus!
• Arabian Nightmare!
• Artichokes!
• Autocrats!
• Aztecs!

B

• Baboons!
• Baby-snatchers!
• Bagpipers!
• Bald-headed budgerigar!
• Bandits!
• Bashi-bazouks!
• Bath-tub Admiral!
• Beast!
• Belemnite!
• Big-head [Tibet p35 B3]!
• Billions of blue blistering boiled and barbecued barnacles [The Seven Crystal Balls, p14, frame 10]!
• Billions of billious barbecued blue blistering barnacles!
• Billions of Bilious Blue Blistering Barnacles!
• Billions of bilious blue blistering barnacles in a thundering typhoon [The Seven Crystal Balls]!
• Billions of blistering barnacles in a thundering typhoon [Tintin in Tibet, p11, frame 3.]!
• Billions of Blue Blistering Barnacles!
• Black beetles!
• Black Marketers!
• Blackamoor!
• Blackbird!
• Blackguards!
• Blithering Bombardier!
• Blistering Barnacles!
• Blistereing blundering bird-brain [Prisoners p9 E4]!
• Bloodsuckers!
• Blue blistering barnacles!
• Blue Blistering Bell-Bottomed Balderdash!
• Blunderbuss!
• Bodysnatcher!
• Bootlegger!
• Borgia!
• Bougainvillea!
• Brat!
• Breathalyser!
• Brigands!
• Brutes!
• Bucaneers!
• Bully! Butcher!

C

• Cachinnating cockatoo!
• Cannibals!
• Carpetsellers!
• Caterpillars!
• Centipede!
• Cercopithecus!
• Certified Diplodocuses [Calculus Affair, p30]!
• Coconut[Crab p58 panel 5]!
• Coelcanth!
• Colocynths!
• Corsair!
• Cowards!
• Crabapples!
• Cro-Magnon!
• Crooks!
• Cushion footed quadrupeds!
• Cyclotron!

D

• Diplodocus!
• Dizzards [Unicorn p54 C1/frame 7]!
• Dogs!
• Doryphore!
• Doryphores!
• Duck-billed platypus!
• Dunderheaded coconuts!
• Dynamiter!

E

• Ectoplasms!
• Egoists!

F

• Fancy-dress Facist!
• Fancy-dress Fatima!
• Fancy-dress freebooter [Unicorn p24 C1]!
• Fatfaces!
• Filibuster(s)!
• Fourlegged Cyrano!
• Freshwater pirate [Unicorn p24 C1]!
• Freshwater swabs!
• Fuzzy wuzzy!

G

• Gallows-fodder!
• Gangof Theives!
• Gangsters!
• Gibbering anthropoids!
• Great flat-footed grizzly bear!
• Gobbledgook!
• Gogglers!
• Goosecaps!
• Guano-gatherers [Prisoners p9 A1]!
• Gyroscope!

H

• Harlequin!
• Heretic!
• Highwayman!
• Hydrocarbon!

I

• Iconoclasts!
• Idiots!
• ... you, Imitation Incas, you [Prisoners p47 B2]!
• You, interplantary goat, you [Explorers on the Moon p62 C3]!

J

• Jellied eel!
• Jellyfish!
• Jobbernowl [Tibet p60 B2]!

K

• Kleptomaniacs!
• Koua Kouakouin Kouinkouin Koua Kouin Koua [Emerald p30 panel 8]!

L

• Lily-livered landlubbers!
• Liquorice[Crab p59 panel 2]!
• Loathsome brute!
• Logarithim!
• Lubberscum!

M

• Macrocephalic baboon!
• Megacycle [Tibet p60 B3]!
• Megacycle Pyromaniac!
• Mameluke!
• Miserable blundering barbecued blister!
• Miserable earth worms!
• Miserable miser!
• Miserable molecule of mildew!
• Misguided missles!
• MisterMule!
• Monopolizers!
• Monster!
• Morons!
• Moujiks!
• Mountebanks!
• Musical morons!

N

• Nanny Goat!
• Nincompoop!
• Nitwits!
• Nitwitted ninepins!
• Nyctalops!

O

• Odd-toed ungulate!
• Ophicleides!
• Orangoutang!
• Ostrogoth!

P

• Pachyrhizus!
• Parasites!
• Patagonians!
• Pestilential Pachyderm!
• Phylloxera!
• Pickled herrings!
• Pirates!
• Pithecanthropic montebanks!
• Pithecanthropic pickpocket [Tibet p37 A3]!
• Pithecanthropus [Unicorn p24 C1]!
• Pockmarks!
• Politican!
• Poltroons!
• Polygraphs!
• Polynesian!
• Profiteers!
• Psychopath!
• Purple profiteering jellyfish!
• Pyrographers!
• Pyromaniac!

R

Raggle taggle ruminants!
Rapscallion!
Rats!
Revenge [Crab p58 panel 4]!
Rhizopods!
RKRPXZKRMTFRZ!
Road roller [Secret of the Unicorn]!
Roadhogs!

S

• Saucy tramp!
• Savages!
• Scorpion!
• Sea-gherkin(s)!
• Sea-lice!
• Sea lion! [Prisoners p9, frame 6]
• Shipwreckers!
• Slavertrader!
• Slubberdegullions!
• Sparrows!
• Spitfire!
• Steamroller!
• Stoolpigeon!
• Subtropical sea-louse!
• Swine!
• Note: Squawking popinjay - in The Secret of the Unicorn, on page 24, Captain Francis Haddock says it to Red Rackham--but since Captain Archibald Haddock is narrating this to Tintin, some one may say that it is one of his many curse words. Also, a parrot says it in Red Rackham's Treasure on page 29. [NAB]

T

• Technocrat!
• Ten thousand thundering typhoons!
• Terrapins!
• Terrorists!
• Thundering typhoons!
• Tin hatted tyrants!
• Toads!
• Toffee-noses!
• Traitors!
• Tramps!
• Tribe of Polynesians [Destination Moon p5 D1]!
• Troglodytes!
• Turncoats!
• Twister!
• Two-timing Troglodytes!

U

• Ungulate - see O for odd-toed ungulate

V

• Vandal!
• Vegetarian!
• Vermicellis!
• Viper!
• Visigoths!
• Vulture!

W

• Weevils!
• Whippersnapper!
• Wildcat!
• Woodlice!

Y

• Young monkey [Tibet p54 A4]!

Z

• Zapotecs!

Which is your favourite Haddock-ism?

G.M. Norton

Protagonist of 'Norton of Morton'