When Norty interviewed Norty

In which G.M. Norton conducts an interview with himself.

As 4 o'clock on Saturday approached, I thought to myself "Norty, old wheeze bag. What are you going to write about this week?"

Then an idea popped into my head - an interview! Alas, it was too late to interview anybody else, so I interviewed myself. That's perfectly normal, isn't it?

Two or three years ago, I took part in an interview for the New Sheridan Club magazine, so have used that, as I appreciated the line of questioning. I hope you enjoy it.

Name or preferred name? 

These days, I'm known as Norty but I also go by G.M. Norton. This puts me in rather fine company, alongside the likes of A.A. Milne, H.G. Wells, P.G. Wodehouse, J.M. Barrie and of course, from the Yellow Pages advert, J.R. Hartley. 

Why that nickname or nom de plume? 

I like Norty as it sounds a little cheeky, but it's also less of a mouthful than G.M. Norton.

When I first started this electronic periodical, I used my initials in an effort to be semi-anonymous. 

Real name - Graham Walker

Contrary to spurious rumours, my first name is not Graham. Actually, it’s Gary. The middle name will remain a mystery. For now, at least. I’m rather fond of the surname Norton. Of course, there are Norton motorbikes and Norton is also the main antagonist in Curtain: Poirot’s Last Case. 

Where do you hail from? 

I was born and still reside in T’North, from the same Manchester town as Steve Coogan. 

Coogan, Steve Coogan

I was a home birth as mater has a fear of hospitals. Upon arrival, the delightfully named Dr Peck exclaimed, “What a fine young specimen.” 

Fine speciman

I should perhaps point out that the doctor was no relation to Gregory. But as I am left-handed, I may share the same ancestral heritage as Damien. 

Favourite Cocktail? 

A Gibson. As favoured by Cary Grant in North By North West and Roger Sterling in Mad Men. 

The original Mad Man

Most Chappist skill? 

Seat warming, to prevent fair maidens from the horror of a cold bottom. Now, warming a seat may sound quite simple but it requires a great deal of practice and dedication. 

Most Chappist possession? 

A signet ring, engraved in reverse with my monogram. Known as “the gentleman’s ring”. 

Personal Motto? 

If life gives you lemons, make a G&T.

Favourite Quotes? 

I believe it was the (not so) great Keating who once remarked, “Life is a roller coaster, you just gotta [sic] ride it.” 

Not a lot of people know this about me, but… 

I once bathed in a cow trough in the middle of a farmer’s field. For money, naturally.

Your three chosen dinner party guests from history or fiction and why? 

Having given it the cream of the Norton brain, I’d plump for Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, Houdini and 1950s television starlet Sabrina. 

Not looking, not looking

I absolutely adore Sherlock Holmes so it would be an honour to meet Sir Arthur. We could talk science, cricket, criminology, fairies and spiritualism. All while Houdini attempts to escape from a giant martini glass before the starter goes cold. Then I could attempt to stare deeply into Sabrina’s eyes as she regales me with stories about Arthur Askey, Alastair Sim and George Cole.

G.M. Norton

Protagonist of 'Norton of Morton'