In which G.M. Norton can finally impersonate
Kenneth Williams without fear of stray nose hairs.
There comes a time in life where we need to
address something right under our nose. And inside our ears for that matter.
Yes, that’s right, chumrades. I’m referring to
nose and ear hair.
Life is playing a cruel joke when we suddenly
start to sprout hair in places where we really don’t want to have it, especially
when hair elsewhere can become in short supply.
In truth, we all have nostril hair which I
imagine becomes dashed handy when it comes to fighting off germs and the like.
But what we don’t want is nose hair having the audacity to leave the confines
of our nostrils. We want to keep them hidden from view and out of plain sight.
Ear hair is a more recent thing for me, although
‘recent’ is roughly five years, or around the time I celebrated reaching my
third decade of living, breathing and generally causing a nuisance.
Interestingly (for me, anyway), my ear hair is
white. Pure Father Christmas white. My ear hair grows much faster than my nose
hair so it’s becoming part of my daily ritual to reach for a pair of tweezers
to remove them. Thankfully, plucking my ear hair doesn’t hurt, which is a bonus
as extracting nose hair is quite literally an eye watering experience. When a
nose hair reveals itself, I try to pluck up the courage to pluck out the pesky blighter.
Infuriatingly, I’ve been known to remove the wrong one. Or fail in my mission
and need to go through the rigmarole all over again.
I’ve been looking for a suitable nose and ear
hair trimmer for a while now. Every so often, the idea will come to me like a
vision and I’ll then spend the next few minutes conducting a Google search
(other search engines are available). What has prevented me from buying one
though is that they all seem to be battery operated and I can’t stand the idea
of that.
I was reading the Well Dressed Dad blog recently,
which I love. If you’re yet to sample this site, Nick has a wonderful way with
words – I thoroughly recommend.
Anyway, I came across an old post on an interesting
looking contraption called the Groom Mate. Thankfully, it isn’t quite as dodgy
as it sounds and is simply the name of an ear and nose hair trimmer. What
absolutely appealed to me was that it is hand-operated so no batteries are needed.
The Groom Mate XL is a sturdy thing, made in
the US completely from steel. It’s an engineering masterpiece. A rival to the
wheel, rocket, toaster and any other really splendid inventions.
Completely sold on the idea, I bought one. It
was only £15 or so. What’s more, it comes with a lifetime guarantee (or so I’ve
read elsewhere – it didn’t actually seem to arrive with words to that effect).
I’ve been using the Groom Mate for the last
week and I’ve been really impressed. Despite my ear hair removal being a
pain-free experience with tweezers, it’s incredibly easy to miss the rascals so
that’s where the Groom Mate comes into its own.
Up the old nostrils though is where I feel that
my life has improved exponentially. No longer do I feel that gut-wrenching
feeling that pain is on its way. I simply insert the tip of the Groom Mate up each
nostril, and turn the bottom section, which causes the cutting action to take
place. Amazing. Splendid. Marvellous.
If you’ve been struggling with irksome ear or
nose hairs, perhaps give this a go.
G.M. Norton
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G.M. Norton
Protagonist of 'Norton of Morton'
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